Relationship & Marriage Coaching

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For many if not most of us, the most overwhelming desire we have in life is for a great and enduring relationship in which we are freed up to be our best selves supported by our partners.

Then there’s reality.

And reality is that if you are in relationship difficulties, it’s most likely that, like most of us, you’ve been poorly trained in the human dynamics and skills that lead to superb relationships. Most relationships fail simply because healthy loving relationships require a skill-set in which few of us have been trained.

In fact, most of us have been mal=trained and lack the inner management and outer relating skills to create a sublime partnering. Thus we don’t know how to turn our perceived relationship “antagonism” into being allies in each other’s personal growth. And in the absence of those skills we tend to fall into patterns of rebuking the other person and/or into self-rebuke and loss of self confidence.

Just think for a moment of how much “disconnection-creating” behaviors you have experienced from your partners, or they from you. You can choose from a list that includes being blaming, controlling, being needy, having emotional outbursts, playing the victim, manipulating, making each other wrong, putting him or her down, having poor boundaries, fighting with or flighting from each other, avoiding,  approval-seeking, or any self-abandoning behaviors.

What do you recognize here?

To escape these patterns if they exist in your relationship, there are essential things you must learn – and which I coach – to elevate your new relationship or turn your sour relationship into sweetness itself.  Rather than hit or miss couples “therapy,” I teach a wide range of  highly effective new behaviors and skills that have made all the difference for many couples I have coached and created for them safety zones of love and intimacy.

The first real benefit of my relationship coaching is the early discovery that you can stop the decline and save the relationship or marriage  (including from the divorce courts). And then go on to learn how to create a beautiful, healthy relationship from scratch.

 Here are just some of the techniques I teach.

Create Agreements That Will Last 

Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of healthy agreements openly arrived at. The biggest ones are the rules of mutual commitment which call for spoken contracts around mutual support, meeting each other’s fundamental needs, true openness and sharing, and having fun – among others.

Couples who want to build healthy relationships also need to make clear contracts around touchy issues that often become relationship deal breakers. These can include work and money matters, how to raise children, on taking time alone, and on methods to keep the relationship creative and fresh – along with much else.

The agreements must include what seems to be the trivial, sometimes right down to what to do with the toothpaste and who does the dishes when. Matters like these turn out to be not insignificant in many relationships.

You also must have agreements on how to solve disagreements – which means if you are like most people, you need to be taught the methods of doing this.


Know Your Own and Your Partner’s Child Development and Reactive Patterns.

There are four people who show up in every relationship. Each of your authentic soul selves are two of them. The two others are each of your personalities complete with emotional buttons to be pushed, self-images to be protected or shred, your doubts and fears, and the way you tend to deal with others, especially when matters get sticky.

Child development in this society usually does a poor job of training us to deal in the relational field in a way that allows us to manage effectively our own inner turmoil while knowing how to deal most effectively with similar turmoil in others. Instead, we tend to rely on coping mechanisms that are all that is available to a child in the early stages of life and which become reactive habits in us as adults.

There are six of these: fight, flight and avoid, seek approval, seek to control, seek to fix (as do enablers who marry people with addictions) and manipulate. You might evaluate on which ones you mostly rely.

This “other self,” with it coping mechanisms and reactive buttons, is the bane of every relationship. Therefore it has to be dealt with knowingly and consciously. This means learning how to identify your own patterns of emotional reaction and behavior and what situations trigger you. It also means learning your partner’s patterns.

And then it means learning the methods to grow out of – or let go of – your patterns with the help of each other. The alternative is that you continue to beat each other up – as we typically do, deploying as weapons such statements as “you made me do this” and “why can’t you just be this or that way?”

At bottom it means learning not to take personally the reactive patterns of each other and instead gaining the training in how two people can become allies armed with knowledge and techniques that allow them to heal their personal childhood trauma right there in the relationship, thus freeing up their soul selves to love cleanly and to play and create fearlessly.

Identify How You Create Both Disconnects and Closer Connections with Your Partner.

Every relational exchange between two human beings, whether in marriage or just talking to the grocery store clerk, has three possible effects. It can create closer connection, even if only mildly.  It can create a disconnect from the other person and a feeling of alienation between the parties – a greater gap between the two people. Or it can be neutral and a simple information exchange.

Most couples flounder between creating connection and creating disconnection. For a successful relationship, these behaviors need to be on a bulletin board in the relational field – sometimes literally posted on the wall. Until you identify, take responsibility for and stop those behaviors that create disconnection and amplify those behaviors that nourish connection, your relationship will always be rocky. One day up, one day down.

This is just a sample of the range of  techniques I share with couples that have turned raging partners into deeply loving, happy and mutually supportive couples. Hardly a greater adventure around than that.

What’s next in our conversation?


You can contact me directly for a free consultation at private@jaylevin,com or 310-628-7761

  • Basic Rate: $150 per session
  • Discounted Rate: Sliding scale within your budget and as my schedule permits
  • Prepaid Discount Coaching Package: 10 hours a month for two months – $2,490 (you save $510) Click here to view
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